Nerd-boner (aka I need some Avenging)

Yes, I can be quite the huge nerd. I grew up on Marvel comic books and have been a faithful viewer of every single superhero movie that Marvel’s put out in the past decade. I even own Daredevil on DVD. Granted, its a pirated copy from China, but I still own a copy.

But seriously folks, I have a mega nerd-boner right now for The Avengers. The trailer just came out yesterday, you can watch it here:

Why am I posting this? Isn’t this supposed to be a blog about living in China?

I’m looking to hire a crack squad of mercenaries in revenge for the worst hair cut I’ve ever gotten. Readers of this blog/friends/family know me as quite the self-deprecating individual, but I’m actually too embarrassed to post pictures. This is really, really bad. I’m going to use pictures of other people to describe.

From the sides:

From the back:


Yes, I have no hair on the back of my head. He cut it so close (with scissors) that you can’t see it.

From the front (but spikier):


It’s not quite a bowl cut, because bowl cuts are even. Since the left side of my head is significantly longer than the right side of my head, I guess it’s safe to say I looked like a botched, circumcised penis. Now I’m definitely not getting a job.

If I wasn’t so afraid of Red prison I would have given this stylist a serious curb-stomping. Avengers, assemble!







On Protesting

As I’m reading the news about the Occupy Everything protests going on in the USA, I can’t help but laugh. These people are protesting the system while simultaneously trying to re-elect the leader of the system, President Obama. I don’t think pepper spray is going to help these people wake up or cure them of stupidity.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Chinese newspapers on the Occupy Wall Street movement:

  • The movement has amazing sustainability. Although it has lasted nearly three weeks, protesters have not lost any passion for the movement and are still determined to achieve their pre-set goals. -People’s Daily. [Editors note: what pre-set goals?]
  • However, one puzzling thing ist hat the big shots of Wall Street, who designed the financial crisis of 2008, not only escaped punishment but also have become much greedier. –People’s Daily. [We planned the world economic downturn]
  • Actually, the Untied States has turned into a wrestling arena between Wall Street and common consumers and between the rich and the poor. -People’s Daily. [I ❤ WWE]
Did anyone else notice they called us the “Untied” States?

Here in China, protests are quickly suppressed. There is no right to assemble, peaceably or not. The news sometimes reports of protests complaining about Beijing’s rapid consumer product inflation and housing prices, but nobody ever sees them (in pictures) and they rarely last more than a few hours. Don’t feel bad for them, however. The Chinese really aren’t complainers – they’ve had extremely strong central government for thousands of years and this is just business as usual.

As we celebrated the 100 years since the fall of the Emperor last week and the 62nd birthday of the People’s Republic of China, people came to Beijing from all over for the parades through Tiananmen square. I wasn’t able to make it to the parades because I simply didn’t give a flying fuck. But as my new apartment only has one English-language channel, CCTV English, I got to watch people from all over being interviewed with translations. “We miss Chairman Mao!” or “China is number 1!” or something of the sort. All while at the site of one of the most famous crackdowns on a protest in modern history.

China is in the middle of a capitalist revolution. The people here are obsessed with money and status. It’s commonplace to spend two month’s salary on a cell phone (you should have seen the reaction to Steve Jobs’ death and the new iPhone 4S) and people have cars even though they don’t really need them. Counterfeit clothing is huge because people want to be seen wearing international labels.

Our countries are totally switching philosophies.


Finally, I have the interwebs!

It’s been 13 days, but finally I have internet in my new apartment in Chaoyangmen, aka Little Moscow! China Unicom royally screwed me over on September 30 by not showing up to their scheduled appointment. It was eerily reminiscent of Comcast, the World’s Worst Internet Service Provider and Cable Company. As October 1 was the birthday of the People’s Republic of China, everyone got a week off from work. So naturally the employees at a state-owned telecommunications company would be free to let me suffer without the internet.

Steve Jobs died. I don’t know why everyone is freaking out. The man made computers, he wasn’t a messiah. I’m pretty sure I would have seen him in the leper colony. Anyways, I was really disappointed there wasn’t an iPhone 5. I felt like I could just die! Steve actually did.

Also, in 13 days Rick Perry has managed to blow his lead in the GOP primary polls. Shocker? Not so much.

Yankees lose, hooray. Cardinals advance, HOORAY!

Blake Lively started dating someone thats not me. Lame.

What else happened in 13 days? Oh yeah, the idiots in the US Senate passed a Chinese currency tariff bill and now all the newspapers here are threatening a trade war as well as work visa restrictions for Americans. Thanks for making it even harder for me to find a job, assholes. For those of you who I haven’t told, I was recently turned down from an excellent position with a large oil company because I “looked too young.” Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently I’m qualified but my physical appearance didn’t match their ideals of what an “American liaison” should look like.

Other than that, all is well here in Beijing. I’m really fucking hungry. Happy Yom Kippur to all my fellow Jews. And to the goyim – nobody’s perfect. Happy October 8th. I’ll blog on the regular now.